Untimely Goodbye
Then again, there's never really a good time.
Today my sister and I went out and were on our way to have lunch when I got a call from my mom. She asked if I was driving and I told her I wasn't and asked why. Our grandmother died this morning at the hospital. My uncle was the first to know and then my dad. Tomorrow my mom and I are leaving to Canada for her nephew's wedding. My dad asked if we still planned to go. As I was talking to my mom still in apparent disbelief, so many things were going through my mind. Don't misunderstand though. My mom lives far away from all except one of her siblings. Both of her parents are deceased. We live within a 20 mile radius of all my father's brothers and sisters and until recently, both his parents were alive. We have mourned and have been mourning since my grandmother was in a coma in March. The doctors said that after a week, it would be relatively little to no hope of her ever recovering or waking up. True to Filipino fashion, they tried to keep her "alive" as long as possible. The family was clearly divided. It was apparent that half coudln't let go and the other wanted my grandfather's suffering as well as my grandmother's pain to end. It took a really hard toll on my family and we've tried really hard to be understanding and supportive of my dad. I know that surprisingly, he's been the most mature and responsible among all of his siblings and I think it's helped him heal and feel a bit closer to his parents, especially with his father who's always been a reclusive stranger to everyone.
Going back to our predicament, I know it was not an unreasonable request. Given the circumstances, we could cancel our flight with a penalty. I doubt I'd ever get a chance to go up north ever again though. We then would have to mail everything there and let my uncle (mom's brother) down especially when my aunt and uncle came to my mom and dad's 25th wedding anniv this past March. It's a bit unfair isn't it. I dare not blame my grandmother for dying at such a crucial time. In a way I feel more relieved she's moved on. It seems more painful to be uncertain, because you don't know how to feel. The pain of waiting, wishing, and hoping really drains your energy. She's been in a coma for four months and unresponsive. She would open her eyes and twitch her fingers, move her mouth, but there would be no signs that it was directive towards anything. We would talk to her though. It just made me feel so sad each time I saw her so incapacitated. Even more sad when I would see my hardened like stone grandfather try to talk to his wife of nearly 60 years telling her to quietly wake up so they could go fishing again.
In the end, I found out after kind of talking to my dad today is that we're still going. If all else fails and he asks. I would have told him I would stay if he wants me to. All he needs to do is ask, but he didn't. He's taking it a lot better than I would have thought. Maybe it's the shock, maybe it's relief that it's over, or maybe that's his way of letting go. Either way, We're going to the mortuary tomorrow morning before we leave for the airport.
I just found out that my aunt (dad's sister-in-law) wanted the funeral done immediately this Sat. If that happened, my mom and I won't be able to attend the funeral. We would be at my cousin's wedding. His wedding is on Saturday. I suddently went off on how unfair that would be to so many people. It's true that she's been suffering for a while, but her body is a shell and although we want this all to pass, I think it's only fair that we give famiy and friends a good amount of time to say goodbye. I was annoyed at her suggestion. I'm glad it didn't go through. If it did, however, my mom told me that we really can't do anything about it since it is their mother and it is ultimately their decision. I honestly would not want to leave if I have to miss my last living grandmother's funeral. I suddenly felt really sick. My mom and I were discussing things over dinner. My mother later called my dad and asked about the plans. The viewing will be on Friday. My relatives from everywhere are just getting word. If the funeral is done on Sat, there is no way anyone would be able to come on such short notice. That will make a lot of people really upset. I have a big family. I am assuming that since the viewing will be done on Friday up to Sat, the funeral would be on Tues at the earliest. Sunday there is no service and Monday is considered bad luck. If that is the case, we will be able to go. I hope so.
I have so many things to think about/do in the next four weeks that I feel so incapacitated. Things are all happening at the same time and I don't feel as on top of things as I used to be when I was younger (i.e., 20). Looking back, I'm surprised at how I was able to stay so focused and organized despite doing so many things at once and keeping somewhat of a social life. I think I need a real break. Now I must finish packing and pray everything else moves smoothly. After the mortuary, straight to LAX. So much for jeans and a t-shirt.
Good bye Nanay Sionang.
Sana masaya po kayo kung saan kayo naroroon.
You'll always be the Ace of Spades :)
Today my sister and I went out and were on our way to have lunch when I got a call from my mom. She asked if I was driving and I told her I wasn't and asked why. Our grandmother died this morning at the hospital. My uncle was the first to know and then my dad. Tomorrow my mom and I are leaving to Canada for her nephew's wedding. My dad asked if we still planned to go. As I was talking to my mom still in apparent disbelief, so many things were going through my mind. Don't misunderstand though. My mom lives far away from all except one of her siblings. Both of her parents are deceased. We live within a 20 mile radius of all my father's brothers and sisters and until recently, both his parents were alive. We have mourned and have been mourning since my grandmother was in a coma in March. The doctors said that after a week, it would be relatively little to no hope of her ever recovering or waking up. True to Filipino fashion, they tried to keep her "alive" as long as possible. The family was clearly divided. It was apparent that half coudln't let go and the other wanted my grandfather's suffering as well as my grandmother's pain to end. It took a really hard toll on my family and we've tried really hard to be understanding and supportive of my dad. I know that surprisingly, he's been the most mature and responsible among all of his siblings and I think it's helped him heal and feel a bit closer to his parents, especially with his father who's always been a reclusive stranger to everyone.
Going back to our predicament, I know it was not an unreasonable request. Given the circumstances, we could cancel our flight with a penalty. I doubt I'd ever get a chance to go up north ever again though. We then would have to mail everything there and let my uncle (mom's brother) down especially when my aunt and uncle came to my mom and dad's 25th wedding anniv this past March. It's a bit unfair isn't it. I dare not blame my grandmother for dying at such a crucial time. In a way I feel more relieved she's moved on. It seems more painful to be uncertain, because you don't know how to feel. The pain of waiting, wishing, and hoping really drains your energy. She's been in a coma for four months and unresponsive. She would open her eyes and twitch her fingers, move her mouth, but there would be no signs that it was directive towards anything. We would talk to her though. It just made me feel so sad each time I saw her so incapacitated. Even more sad when I would see my hardened like stone grandfather try to talk to his wife of nearly 60 years telling her to quietly wake up so they could go fishing again.
In the end, I found out after kind of talking to my dad today is that we're still going. If all else fails and he asks. I would have told him I would stay if he wants me to. All he needs to do is ask, but he didn't. He's taking it a lot better than I would have thought. Maybe it's the shock, maybe it's relief that it's over, or maybe that's his way of letting go. Either way, We're going to the mortuary tomorrow morning before we leave for the airport.
I just found out that my aunt (dad's sister-in-law) wanted the funeral done immediately this Sat. If that happened, my mom and I won't be able to attend the funeral. We would be at my cousin's wedding. His wedding is on Saturday. I suddently went off on how unfair that would be to so many people. It's true that she's been suffering for a while, but her body is a shell and although we want this all to pass, I think it's only fair that we give famiy and friends a good amount of time to say goodbye. I was annoyed at her suggestion. I'm glad it didn't go through. If it did, however, my mom told me that we really can't do anything about it since it is their mother and it is ultimately their decision. I honestly would not want to leave if I have to miss my last living grandmother's funeral. I suddenly felt really sick. My mom and I were discussing things over dinner. My mother later called my dad and asked about the plans. The viewing will be on Friday. My relatives from everywhere are just getting word. If the funeral is done on Sat, there is no way anyone would be able to come on such short notice. That will make a lot of people really upset. I have a big family. I am assuming that since the viewing will be done on Friday up to Sat, the funeral would be on Tues at the earliest. Sunday there is no service and Monday is considered bad luck. If that is the case, we will be able to go. I hope so.
I have so many things to think about/do in the next four weeks that I feel so incapacitated. Things are all happening at the same time and I don't feel as on top of things as I used to be when I was younger (i.e., 20). Looking back, I'm surprised at how I was able to stay so focused and organized despite doing so many things at once and keeping somewhat of a social life. I think I need a real break. Now I must finish packing and pray everything else moves smoothly. After the mortuary, straight to LAX. So much for jeans and a t-shirt.
Good bye Nanay Sionang.
Sana masaya po kayo kung saan kayo naroroon.
You'll always be the Ace of Spades :)
posted by shine
at
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
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