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Sunday, July 30, 2006

All said and done

Haven't updated since the funeral. It went as well as funerals go. My sister was the last to leave the cemetery and watched as they finished burying my grandmother's remains. True to Pinoy fashion, there was a reception afterwards. About 200 guests came. The restaurant was packed and we had family follow to the house thereafter. It was the first time in a very long time that my cousins and I were all together. I took it upon myself to gather everyone and get a picture set up like old times. I was glad to see the family together again. It was just sad that it took my grandmother's death to do it.

Today my sister, cousin-in-law and I decorated the house for a Hawaiian themed birthday party for Parker. It almost didn't happen. I found out that our mourning period is a much longer process than that of other non Asian cultures. Melissa was surprised that after the funeral there were still people coming to our grandmother's house and praying. I told her that it doesn't end after the nine days of her death, but they return on the 40th day and mourn for the rest of the year if we stick to the old tradition. In this case, it will be until the 40 days and we will celebrate the one year anniversary of her death.

Due to my grandmother's death, we didn't think we would be able to throw Parker a birthday party. We should still be mourning. However, he is a great grandson and it is also his first birthday. My dad, decided last minute to do it. He bought lechon (roasted pig) and my sister and I decorated the place. Parker's expression after seeing the place decorated was priceless. Melissa helped wrap lumpia too. We used that time to talk about family matters I guess and culture differences between White and Filipino house holds. I never really understood just how different things were until I met her and got her side and perspective. It's not even just the culture, but also the perspective, feelings, and even understanding. There is so much each side takes forgranted. I always thought I was a pretty openminded person who pretty much understood things as they came. I didn't realize the degree to which I missed out on and failed to completely comprehend. I guess I would have never known had I not met and really talked to Melissa.

Having so many things filling my thoughts, I've hardly had any time to talk to any of my friends or even say hello. In fact, I haven't told anyone of my grandmother's hospitalization or death. How could I really? It's always an awkward thing to tell people. I know it will be uncomfortable for them and they'll just feel sorry for me. It's not like I've really avoided saying anything. It's just no one's really asked, so I don't bother to tell. Given such a time, I'm glad I have family to carry the burden with me. On the other hand, I always have someone so selfless and understanding through it all.

I get so much love that I feel guilty. I've been spoiled, but I am so thankful to have you always here for me no matter what--even though I know you can find someone so much much better. I hope you could forgive me for being as selfish as I am, because despite my guilt I can't help but be happy.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Wedding and a Funeral

I just got back from Canada yesterday. The wedding was the night before and we came home at 2am. Our flight was at 8am, so we left the house at 6am. Needless to say, we had very little sleep. I tried to get some rest on the plane. We got home faster than I expected. I was really glad to be back in California. I did have fun there and met a lot of really cool people. Merryl, Jan Michael (pronounced "John"), and Vanessa and Jamie. Who knows when I'll be able to visit again, or if I'll see them any time soon.

The day we got back, we thought there weren't going to be any hang-ups. We were wrong. On our stop over at Calgary, someone mistook our baggage as theirs and, well you can only imagine how freaked out we were to know our luggage was missing. Luckily the person who checked in our luggage was on the same flight to LA. He had a funny name and lives in Oceanside. I should have taken their phone number too. Anyway we got our luggage back when we reached LAX.

Our plane arrived at 1:15pm, 5 mins ahead of schedule. The traffic was massive. Fresh from the trip and lack of sleep, we went stright to my grandmother's viewing. There were so many people, you wouldn't believe how packed the place was. Although I can't say I was surprised, considering how large our family is, it's just so nice to know how many people flew in and drive up and down family, extended family and close friends and even family of family. It was an amazing sight. And just when I thought that yesterday was alot, today was probably just as many, if not more.

Today I gave an improv eulogy. I really didn't want to do it, because I don't like crying, but I didn't want my grandmother to go without anyone saying any proper words about her and her life. I went on and was followed by her first grandson and her favorite grandson. I was happy that the three of us had enough courage to do so. It felt right and I was happy. I know my dad and everyone else was too.

Edit 07.31.06- Later that evening a few relatives came up to me telling me how much they appreciated the eulogy and how beautiful it was. That made me happy. Even though I wasn't prepared, I think I served my purpose. My dad even told me he was so proud that he wanted to start clapping if it wasn't for it being a solemn occasion. That kind of made me happy and embarassed at the same time since my uncle from Virginia was eating dinner with us. In the end, I'm really glad that everyone listened and everyone was touched (as far as I could remember), most especially my dad. If I needed anyone to hear those words, it would have to be him since he vied worked for my grandmother's love the till the very end.

Tomorrow is the funeral. It starts at 9am at Mary Star. If you knew, were friends with, or just want to pay respects, please do come. My lola will be very happy to know you did as well as her family. After the service she will be buried at the Sta. Clara cemetary. We hope to see you there to say good-bye with us.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

technology is good

Just finally finished packing and figuring out which terminal our airline is located at. At times like these, I seriously love the internet and the fact that we have cable. A fast computer and a super fast connection and resourcefulness is necessary when you live around highly impatient family members. Too bad I don't own any handheld internet surfing able device. It's times like these I wish I had somekind of handheld gaming device. During my day that was called a Gameboy. Now there are PSPs and Nintendo DSs. I don't trust bringing a $200+ machine along that's larger than a remote control. I'll bring my iPod afterall. Hope there's a place for my charger on the airplane D:

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Untimely Goodbye

Then again, there's never really a good time.

Today my sister and I went out and were on our way to have lunch when I got a call from my mom. She asked if I was driving and I told her I wasn't and asked why. Our grandmother died this morning at the hospital. My uncle was the first to know and then my dad. Tomorrow my mom and I are leaving to Canada for her nephew's wedding. My dad asked if we still planned to go. As I was talking to my mom still in apparent disbelief, so many things were going through my mind. Don't misunderstand though. My mom lives far away from all except one of her siblings. Both of her parents are deceased. We live within a 20 mile radius of all my father's brothers and sisters and until recently, both his parents were alive. We have mourned and have been mourning since my grandmother was in a coma in March. The doctors said that after a week, it would be relatively little to no hope of her ever recovering or waking up. True to Filipino fashion, they tried to keep her "alive" as long as possible. The family was clearly divided. It was apparent that half coudln't let go and the other wanted my grandfather's suffering as well as my grandmother's pain to end. It took a really hard toll on my family and we've tried really hard to be understanding and supportive of my dad. I know that surprisingly, he's been the most mature and responsible among all of his siblings and I think it's helped him heal and feel a bit closer to his parents, especially with his father who's always been a reclusive stranger to everyone.

Going back to our predicament, I know it was not an unreasonable request. Given the circumstances, we could cancel our flight with a penalty. I doubt I'd ever get a chance to go up north ever again though. We then would have to mail everything there and let my uncle (mom's brother) down especially when my aunt and uncle came to my mom and dad's 25th wedding anniv this past March. It's a bit unfair isn't it. I dare not blame my grandmother for dying at such a crucial time. In a way I feel more relieved she's moved on. It seems more painful to be uncertain, because you don't know how to feel. The pain of waiting, wishing, and hoping really drains your energy. She's been in a coma for four months and unresponsive. She would open her eyes and twitch her fingers, move her mouth, but there would be no signs that it was directive towards anything. We would talk to her though. It just made me feel so sad each time I saw her so incapacitated. Even more sad when I would see my hardened like stone grandfather try to talk to his wife of nearly 60 years telling her to quietly wake up so they could go fishing again.

In the end, I found out after kind of talking to my dad today is that we're still going. If all else fails and he asks. I would have told him I would stay if he wants me to. All he needs to do is ask, but he didn't. He's taking it a lot better than I would have thought. Maybe it's the shock, maybe it's relief that it's over, or maybe that's his way of letting go. Either way, We're going to the mortuary tomorrow morning before we leave for the airport.

I just found out that my aunt (dad's sister-in-law) wanted the funeral done immediately this Sat. If that happened, my mom and I won't be able to attend the funeral. We would be at my cousin's wedding. His wedding is on Saturday. I suddently went off on how unfair that would be to so many people. It's true that she's been suffering for a while, but her body is a shell and although we want this all to pass, I think it's only fair that we give famiy and friends a good amount of time to say goodbye. I was annoyed at her suggestion. I'm glad it didn't go through. If it did, however, my mom told me that we really can't do anything about it since it is their mother and it is ultimately their decision. I honestly would not want to leave if I have to miss my last living grandmother's funeral. I suddenly felt really sick. My mom and I were discussing things over dinner. My mother later called my dad and asked about the plans. The viewing will be on Friday. My relatives from everywhere are just getting word. If the funeral is done on Sat, there is no way anyone would be able to come on such short notice. That will make a lot of people really upset. I have a big family. I am assuming that since the viewing will be done on Friday up to Sat, the funeral would be on Tues at the earliest. Sunday there is no service and Monday is considered bad luck. If that is the case, we will be able to go. I hope so.

I have so many things to think about/do in the next four weeks that I feel so incapacitated. Things are all happening at the same time and I don't feel as on top of things as I used to be when I was younger (i.e., 20). Looking back, I'm surprised at how I was able to stay so focused and organized despite doing so many things at once and keeping somewhat of a social life. I think I need a real break. Now I must finish packing and pray everything else moves smoothly. After the mortuary, straight to LAX. So much for jeans and a t-shirt.

Good bye Nanay Sionang.
Sana masaya po kayo kung saan kayo naroroon.
You'll always be the Ace of Spades :)

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

...

Alexa holding the late Peanut with Whiskey in the bg

Today would have been a pretty awesome day (Warped Tour + Rex), but then I just found out two seconds ago that our beloved dog, Peanut died today. I feel so overwhelmingly sad. I love Peanut very much. Peanut, btw is our family dog. He is a poodle mix. How did he die? It was a hit and run. I don't know who tf did it, but I hope s/he burns in HELL. What MONSETER runs over a dog and leaves it dying on the street? Peanut is a freaking OLD DOG who has never bitten a single living thing in his life! Wherever you are you mother effer I wish you and your companion never ending nightmares and psychologically shattering pain every single time you see, hear, touch, anything related to a dog. May you be constantly reminded and tormented every single day you drive your car to remind you how much Peanut, my family and all pet and owners of the world have suffered from sick bastards like you. I have never geared so much hatred or ill will towards anyone as much as this guy aside from maybe Osama Bin Laden.

How could they do that to our beloved sweet kind, quiet and loving doggie?! He was nearing 14 years old. To think he didn't die of old age. I am truly sad and I'm still recovering from the shock. I can't believe it. I wonder how my grandfather is taking it now that my grandmother is his wife is nearing death and his lone companion is gone. I feel sick and I'm no longer hungry. I can't express how hateful and unbelievably sad I am. It's a dulling pain I never wish to feel again.

Wherever you are Peanut, I hope you are living a life without pain, chasing all the birds you like and eating all the steak you want. You were such a companion. We will truly miss you.

Monday, July 3, 2006

1 Litre of Tears

If you watch jdramas at all, you've probably heard about this one. Although it came out last year, 1 Litre of Tears, (Ichi Ritoru no Namida) it's generated a lot of noise. As the title may suggest, it is certainly not a comedy. The drama is based on a diary (A Diary of Tears) written by a young woman named Aya afflicted with the disease spinocerebellar degeneration.This disease affects one's muscle control (motor skills, speech etc) to the point of being comatose. The symptoms begin when moving at will becomes difficult. Balance and ones ability to walk is challenged, fine motor movements such as writing becomes extremely difficult and speech is gradually lost.

When I heard about this series, I was hesitant to watch in fear of just feeling depressed. Those who have seen it all say the same thing. It is a great story that is very sad. You will cry watching this series begining from the first episode. Well, after letting my cousin watch it, he said the series lives up to the hype. I then forced myself to watch with a little motivation from Ryo. I don't know if it is because I work around children with cancer, heart problems and degenerative diseases like cystic fibrosis, sickle cell anemia, but watching this series wasn't as sad as I had expected it to be. On the contrary it was pretty uplifting. I didn't cry as much as I would have wanted. Maybe I've become desensitized, or maybe it's because I know what real patients in pain are like. Her performance was good, but maybe not real enough. The actress was just too beautiful to be sick. I cried a lot at the end of the Notebook (much to my surprise and dismay) and a little when I saw A Walk to Remember. Otherwise I don't recall any other movie where I couldn't control my tears no matter how much I held back. I really hate to say it, but I guess Nicholas Sparks has a way with his novels turned chick flicks :P. I guess it takes a different thing to move me. Loss of love moves me more than loss of life. When I think about it, I can't possibly feel sorry for her, because she was supported and loved by a lot of people. What would have been ultimately sad for me was if she died alone without anyone knowing or caring about her. Now that is definitely something to cry about.

Sunday, July 2, 2006

Sunscreen

I used to debate to myself which season I loved more. Since I live in California, the winters here are not much more different than summer. It's just cooler and you get to wear a jacket. In the end, although I really don't like the heat or the scantily clad dressed women, I actually do like summer best. The feeling is different. People are happier, the mood is more relaxed, and it's a lot more fun to eat ice cream, fresh fruits and drink cold iced tea.

Friday we went to the Los Angeles Film Festival. We saw some celebrities and people filming for E! and Style network right next to us as we passed through Euro Chow and headed straight to aahs! (novelty shop). As always, that shop is full of weird stuff. Bought Cris's birthday present there too ;)

After checking out the list of independent films being screened that day, we went to the Intel booth and got some free stuff, louged around the flat screens and checked out the macs and checked info for the upcomming events for independent and foreign films. While walking we were handed free popcorn and chopsticks, cell phone breath mints and movie passes at the screening in Beverly Hills. Not bad for just strolling along. After getting tired, we headed across the street from the Fox Theatre (Superman was showing) and ate at CPK (California Pizza Kitchen).

The Bruin Mann was showing Nacho Libre. While at CPK we got three different spring rolls, mediterranian, thai, and baja. Very good stuff. I really liked the Baja. I think I ODed on Mediterranian food these past weeks. Rice and I shared the BBQ Chicken pizza. Delicious as always. He of course, had to pick out all the onions. -_-; I can't believe we got full that fast. Well I guess all that peach iced tea had to fill me up.

peach tea ^^ with the rolls and pizza ^o^

Saturday we played tennis. I haven't played in a while and I actually got better. Surprise, surprise. I can still smell the sunscreen on my skin o_o. Reminds me of swimming pool ^^;I think Marv is coming with us on Wed, so we can play doubles. I think I'm ready to move on and buy a body suit so I can start surfing :D haha.

*more pictures to be added later cause I'm lazy

Sunday, July 30, 2006

All said and done

Monday, July 24, 2006

Wedding and a Funeral

Thursday, July 20, 2006

technology is good

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Untimely Goodbye

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

...

Monday, July 3, 2006

1 Litre of Tears

Sunday, July 2, 2006

Sunscreen

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